Free Lesbian

02-08-17

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« Naç was full of life, she chose to die free rather than live as a prisoner… »

Each year my thoughts are for my friend Nacera who took her own life 8 years ago because she was denied the right to be who she was, the right to love women, the right to live lesbian.

Naç was full of life, she chose to die free rather than live as a prisoner…

I wrote this text on the day after she died, at the moment when I confirmed her departure… I still think of you sweetheart…

Friday, the 10th of July, 2009, 2:05 AM.

Last night my friend told me the news… I was told that little Naç may have gone far away, so far away that I could be sure never to hug her ever again… So far away that I could never feel the warmth of her eyes full of love on me, ever again…

He told me, she died, but he has to confirm the information. I spend the night trying to verify the news, no one can be sure, we are in a blur… I can’t sleep, I’m refraining myself from crying, I’m saying to myself This is yet another lie – I’ve been told so many.

That morning, as soon as I wake up, I go to the source, it’s true, my little girl has left me for ever. My tears were there but I couldn’t believe it… Why her ? she was so young, she wanted to do so many things, she wanted to be happy, she wanted to live…

I am now looking at a red ball, in front of me, not any ball, but the one she gave me on the first time that we met. The ball was already dear to me but now its importance is different, it has become so precious: this is the only thing of her that I can hold, touch and grasp with all my strength.

The last time I saw her was two weeks ago. She threw herself into my arms, kissed me affectionately, stayed by my side and reluctantly accepted to eat my strawberry icecream…

I feel guilty for not being there for her, I feel bad for not having been present enough, I was feeling she was lost but I did nothing, I was so busy with the silly things of daily life that I didn’t see fit to take a little time for her…

This is a burden I will carry my all life… The one of not having dialed her number and not having joined her in her pain…

I’m writing this post to say that despite her flaws – yes she had some – she was a good girl, she was part of our family, the family of Misunderstood ones, Not tolerated ones, she was one of us, and today she is our grief.

I am writing this post to say that divides are useless, whether we want it or not, we’re part the same community and hurting each other is hurting ourselves.

I am writing this post because I am angry, I feel rage against this injustice !

She was in the prime of life and couldn’t find another way to end her suffering.

My friends, life is horrible, it is awful, but it is worth being lived. Surround yourselves with real friends. Do not let suffering in the prison of your heart and do not be ashamed of seeking help from people who are close to you.

Please never hesitate to go towards the beings who are dear to you, before it is too late…

To end this note, I would like to ask all of you who have known Nacera to spare a thought for her.

Rest my sweetie, find the respite that you were seeking, you will always be in my mind, I love you.

 

Zoheir Djazeiri

Translated : Fabien